Metro Performance Report

God, the jokes just write themselves, don’t they? WMATA. That’s the joke. Get it?

At any rate, the 2011 Performance Report supposedly documents all the ways in which WMATA purportedly improved on 2010. But there’s very little in this hefty document (PDF) that either a) you don’t already know, or b) isn’t a straight-up lie. So let’s just get straight to the highlights.

First, Sarles is feeling much better about himself because Aunty Barb stopped telling him how stupid he is and told him to keep on acting like a big boy:

One of the proudest moments for Metro’s GM/CEO was appearing before a congressional delegation including Senator Mikulski on June 15, 2011 to hear a shift in comments from the skepticism, admonishment and “do better” in 2010 to acknowledgement of progress, encouragement and “keep it up.”

In the realm of employee safety:

A study found that work hours in excess of the 16-hour work limit are rare but do occur. Metro will continue focusing on training and awareness building on the hazards of fatigue among our employees.

You know, “awareness.” Rather than maybe reducing the workload. Also, WMATA can’t count to five, apparently:

Prior to 2009, Metro’s track maintenance window was only about 3 hours per night, when Metro was closed.

Metro also can’t live up to its incredibly low standards for bus service. Or escalators:

Metrobus On-Time Performance Target: 78%

Actual: 75%

Escalator System Availability Target: 89%

Actual: 86%

I’ve got an alternate explanation for this one: now that we can bitch on twitter about the awfulness that is WMATA service, there’s less of a need to file a formal complaint. WMATA recordkeeping: behind the times since 1976!